Shock Absorber...

She walked into the sitting room, where I was sprawled across the sofa, the only female amongst my brothers, and asked us to lower the volume on the television that she would like to speak to us. We complied, focusing our full attention on her.

My mother sat down on the love seat, adjusted her iro and buba. Looking slightly sheepish, she said “I am pregnant”. I immediately asked, “ why are you having more children? is three not good enough? I am not helping you babysit any rugrat o, bear in mind that I am going back to boarding school soon!” Here I was, thinking that my position was sealed as the last born; and then she comes at us with this. She continued with, “its for my boss, not your father.” It was the way she said it, this equanimity about her that made me sick.

I began to cast my mind back to when my father was making such a fuss about her working relationship with her boss, even accusing her of having an affair. Knowing my mother for the virtuous woman that she is, I certainly did not believe a word of what my father said, and assumed that he was simply jelaous that the woman was making some money of her own and did not have to wait on him hand and foot for her needs as she used to. In my head, I knew my father was acting in a very jealous and immature manner; probably slightly chauvinist and needing to keep up with the times.My mother is a very attractive woman, so I could sense where the insecurity was coming from. Besides, her boss had a hawk-eyed wife, who worked in the office below them.It would be difficult for my easygoing mother to upstage that sort of woman. She had no fighting spirit of that sort in her.I had completely blanked out, my head reeling with the implications of the news she had just given to us. She had not finished; “ and I have told my boss about the baby which he is very happy about.” It was then that I turned to her, letting her feel the full wrath of my anger, I said “Sit down mummy! Are you alright? This man you are talking about is happily married with six children. SIX! What family do you plan to fit your bastard child into? Have you considered a TOP? She retorted, “this child is a gift from God and is not a mistake. I am not terminating the pregnancy.”

It was surreal, having to speak to my mother in this manner; but I could not help it. It was as if she had suddenly become the child, and I, the mother. She was the one who was supposed to be warning me about the dangers of teenage pregnancy, abortion and the implications. I turned to my brothers, wondering if they were witnessing this too. The elder of the two, simply walked out of the room. He was not usually one of many words, and was prone to walking away from difficult situations and pretending that they did not exist. My second brother, simply said that although what my mother did was wrong, it was a greater sin in the eyes of God to abort the baby. I had not expected less; he is the fanatical one. I seemed to be the only one making sense in this room. It was then that I dragged my mother up, took her to my room and began to speak to her. “mother, why are you doing this? Why do you want to break up your home? I admit its not the happiest of homes and there are things that you would rather not have to deal with regarding my father, but is this your solution?” My father’s philandering ways were definitely a problem in the family and I know it was something that caused my mother a lot of pain. He had been carrying on with this particular woman to the extent that we were not even sure if she was merely a concubine or had become a wife. But to think that she would retaliate in this manner was just unexpected.Besides, was it not only okay for the men to do such things? Was it not an abomination if a woman followed suit? My mother, that has gone through thick and thin, my very own shock absorber…who would think that this would be the straw that would break the camel’s back?

I turned back to the woman who gave me life, and then hugged her. “o zugo, we will find a solution. I just regarded you in higher esteem and to say the least, I am disappointed. You are not the sort of woman to engage in extra-marital affairs and if this is to get my father’s attention, you are cutting your nose to spite your face.” She replied, “you do not understand me darling, do you? This is not about your father anymore. I have accepted that he is continually going to cheat on me. This is me finding my own happiness. I am in love”. At that point, I shifted away from her embrace, unsure that it was my mother speaking. It was like some creature had taken the place of where her mind used to be. Was she even thinking about us, and how this news would affect us?Unable to take it anymore, I started to scream at her, yelling at the top of my voice that I think that she is acting like a doe-eyed, love-sick puppy, a completely deluded woman. I was hoping that if I screamed loud enough, she would snap out of this land of oblivion her spirit had wandered into. It was then that she began to look pale, like she was about to be sick. I followed her gaze and realized she was bleeding out. In a state of utter shock and panic, I knelt in front of her and put my hands there, hoping that the pressure from my hands will stop the blood from flowing out from between her legs. The blood was defiant, squirting out with such intensity that I was sure I was going to loose her. I began to berate myself, telling myself that it was the pressure and the unkind words coming from me that caused this. I began to wish I had said nothing at all. “Somebody call the ambulance, mummy is bleeding.please help!”

I got up with a start. A huge truck was outside blaring its horns, and cursing at the small car causing the obstruction. I walked into my parent’s room, and found my mother sleeping peacefully, beside her husband, snoring loudly. I looked down at my hands. There was no blood. What kind of dream was that?

ENJOYING ANOTHER’S COMPANY...

You know you have a partner that is supposed to be the irreplaceable love of your life…But you find yourself enjoying another’s company…

You have found all that you are looking for in him/ her. So why then, do you laugh harder at the other’s jokes, find yourself smiling a little too widely when he/she walks in the room, dress to impress when you know you will be seeing this person at some point during the day?

Why then, do you lay with your partner, all the while fantasizing that it is the other person that you lay with? Why does the guilt plague you so much when you find your mind increasingly occupied with the other and you begin to find faults with your partner?

Maybe it is normal to have feelings for another despite being in a relationship. A little crush is harmless right?

Besides, you are not going anywhere with this. Your partner is here to stay, even if you wanted out of the relationship. It is a binding one. You tell yourself this; all the while trying to convince yourself that this consuming fire can be doused easily; that time spent with this person may not necessarily build emotions; that after all it is healthy to have such relations because your partner cannot possibly be all your friends in one person; that it will in fact positively affect what you have with your partner because you come back to your partner refreshed and ready to settle back into routine with him/her.

You begin to wonder at what point it becomes harmful… calling each other everyday is cool, it’s not like you are sleeping with the person right? Hanging out with this person is still fine, is it not? although there will be no need to tell your partner information like this; so you garnish the truth…tell them you are just hanging out with a few friends.

In fact, you have done nothing wrong. Being human, that is your crime.

Your beauty lies in your complexity…rolled together in one. You cannot explain certain feelings, try as you may. You cannot always forecast who you will find yourself increasingly drawn to; you cannot calculate every situation you might be in; so it is harder to slide out of certain situations than others.

But what you do have control over is your mind. Before it festers and becomes uncontrollable, you can draw lines, mark out boundaries, begin to reel yourself in when you feel like you are slipping. It is not always pleasant though.

Why should you stop an activity that is so pleasurable, why??? This is where commitment comes in. Someone once said that there will be days where loving your partner is a decision, not a choice that comes easily. So it is possible that you might want to throw a tantrum, even snap at your partner for reasons they know nothing about. When this happens, you slowly remind yourself that you are an adult, and you will not always get what you want like a child does. Then if you are religious, remember the several sermons you sat in on, reminding you to flee temptation. Then go on a holiday with the partner and remind yourself of all the reasons why you fell for each other.

Another thing to think about is that such affairs usually end badly and someone may end up getting hurt. Again cheating is not only physical; do not harbour any illusions. It could be emotional, and this is the really tricky one because it goes by undetected and you do not even realise that this is what it happening. Your conscience is usually a good indicator. Listen to it.

But do not forget to have friends; true friends that you can be yourself with. Male AND Female; the point is not to make yourself an island, because you are trying so hard not to cheat or sin. It is not a good idea either, to dictate to your partner how many friends they should have, or that they should never be seen in the company of the opposite sex. It just might build resentment. Control always seems to bring about rebellion and secrecy sooner or later. If they like you enough, (and I am sure they love you if they are with you) they will come back and tell you when their friend took the friendship a little too far. This is where you build trust and become even more secure in your relationship.

There will be close friends, work colleagues, and the people who form your inner social circle. They are just as important as your partner. There is always the friend who will stick closer than a brother and you will always need them.

Because honestly, it is just unfair to ask your partner to be everything! Just make sure you do not fall for the friends while you are at it. Lol…

What If?

I do not think that anyone walks into a relationship already envisaging the end of it. Unfortunately, sometimes the relationship does come to an end and you would have dated several potential suitors before you reach your last bus stop…

What do you do when you feel it in the very centre of your being that your relationship is dangerously close to its expiry date?
Do you close your eyes to the obvious truth or suddenly become a believer, hoping against hope that God will intervene miraculously and save your marriage/ relationship?
What I have noticed about the Nigerian society regarding relationships is the tenacity and the fighting spirit; this refusal to let go. You begin to blame in-laws, young girls outside, bad friends of your spouse who are influencing them negatively… The excuse that your religion does not permit divorce is always there too; and the list goes on.
While this is very admirable, sometimes it is just the simple fact that you are badly suited to each other.
It is very possible that it is this determination to keep the relationship/ marriage going that will rescue whatever love you have left between you.
However, sometimes we have to be willing to let go. It is not admittance to failure; it is just an acknowledgement that this one time, you chose wrongly. And that is life really; you win some, you loose some.
The major issue is the fear that once you let one go, the likelihood of getting another is slim. This is when the “what-ifs” begin to plague your mind until you have reduced yourself to your lowest terms. This is when you remember that age is not on your side and you already have one kid and your body is not as youthful as it once was. I call this reducing yourself to your lowest terms because you only think of yourself as a means to another’s end; a baby’s mother, someone’s husband or wife, etc. You might want to begin to think of relationships as something that should make you happy first and foremost, that edifies your soul, which puts a song in your heart.
At the end of the day, it just might be that your partner will love you even more for having the courage to let go; you can then give each other individual chances at happiness. What’s more, if the relationship produced kids, your children get to grow up in a more loving environment instead of experiencing the constant bickering or bad blood that exists between you two.

No one can tell you what is best for you. You will need to look inside yourself and make that decision from within. For a moment, forget society, and mothers and in-laws and what everyone else expects that you will do. This one time, do it for you.

Experience.

Don’t you just hate it when you tell someone your story and then you get told a story worse than yours…people just don’t want to lend credibility to your experiences. Then you get told that oh, it has happened to someone else and that person’s experience was a lot worse than yours; you had better not complain.
I listened to this younger woman tell an older woman about her husband’s indiscretions, and the older woman told her, oh it’s nothing oh. So he only cheated eh? You did not thank your God that he did not bring the concubine into the house to live or worse still, father an illegitimate child? In my own case, he went on and fathered three children outside wedlock and I could do nothing about it…blah blah blah
And somehow, it makes it sound as if society has condoned the man’s wrongdoing, simply because he’s not the first African man to have done it. As if there is safety in numbers.
My own question is, does it make it any easier to bear? An experience is still your own experience; you will make what you will out of it; you either cope better or you find it harder to bear compared to others.
It will not stop me from feeling like I’m the first girl to have her heart broken; it will not stop my impatience when I am stuck in situations I cannot help; it will not make me feel bad for voicing out my frustrations when there are others even more frustrated than I am. That all women go through labour pain does not mean it is not painful everytime... abi?
In Miss Spark’s words: No matter what you say about love, I’ll keep coming back for more, put my hand in the fire…sooner or later I’ll get what I am asking for. It does not matter that another has tried and found it impossible to find.

An ounce of experience is better than a pound of advice.

...On Ingrained Customs (Part I)

I am having a really hard time. Even getting my thoughts on paper is difficult. Normally I tend to dissociate myself from my writing and try to sound as balanced as possible…if I’ve learnt nothing else in law school, I’ve learnt that clarity of thought is key. Argue both sides…
This one time, I have to write from my gut because i cannot tell it any other way.
I had a very interesting conversation with a few men, ranging from the men in my family to some professionals; medical doctors and lawyers to be precise; and the recurring theme was African men, monogamy and a woman’s role in the Nigerian society. the over-riding emotion was fear and a sense of hopelessness;


First of all, I was being told that if I did not exhibit womanly traits like wanting to cook, clean, fuss over and take care of able-bodied men, I had a fundamental flaw as a woman that spelled doom for my future. No man would touch me with a long pole. lol
Then, there was the other side, a bunch of married men, offering a sort of more exciting future as a mistress. They went on to tell me that, as a mistress one is only there for the fun times and to show the man a good time; the wife is there to perform all the other harder duties of bearing and rearing children, cooking and cleaning until she is blue in the face. The other plus was that there would be no baby- making, or inlaw- related wahala involved; you get to keep your figure!The funny part was the man’s averment that African men were never born monogamous and that the whole idea was a Western creation.
My problem was that none of them sounded like a choice- a woman still remained an accessory.
And this is what I have a problem with. what happens when you cannot fit into any of these moulds?

Change...

Complaint 1: There’s nothing I hate more than not being taken seriously.
“To understand other people, you must first realise they are other people and not another you.”For most females, this is a bitter pill to swallow. Hell, for me I know it is. That is why we engage in the very futile endeavour of trying to change our partners or mould them into what we want. This is why we complain about our feelings not being taken into consideration.Men do things that only they understand. They do not get why females feel the need to discuss emotions, feelings and all that mushy stuff. They do not get why we like to gossip and talk about other people’s relationships. They do not get why we are pre-menstrual. They do not get why we get upset when they do not remember birthdays, special events and all the kind of dates that women think are important. At first, I thought this was a generalisation; but it is so true- men are just not bothered about ish like that. Personally, I think they are just lazy when it comes to being “emotionally vocal”; yet they would argue about the most irrelevant ish- like football! Men really are from Mars.They say the first rule of love is to listen. When we argue, do we ever stop to hear the other person out or try to understand why they behave the way that they do? Maybe it is God-ordained that they behave that way; because try as you may, you will never be able to change him or make him suit your preferences- unless you want to become a nag/ boss lady. Then there’s the other small matter of actually liking what you’ve turned him into; because after all, was it not his quiet nature/ listening ear you fell in love with?Maybe women should take a leaf out of their books and learn to listen more. I also think men need to make more of an effort with communication, because we will never be able to get inside their heads unless they let us in by talking, communicating, and responding. We all know communication is the life- force of a relationship.Men ought to know there is nothing more erotic & turn-on-ish than connecting with a female you care about intellectually, mentally, verbally…falling in love with each other’s minds/ thought processes is hard to compete with; there will always be sexier women/ buffer men- but only one person on earth who thinks the way that he/ she does.

Guilty...until proven Innocent.

The words of John Legend’s “Number One” float into my head… “you can’t sayyy I don’t love u just because I cheat on you” and then Kanye’s sickkk rap to it where he goes “but my heart don’t got nothing to do with my penis, it got a mind of its own…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqB1OL7XQ4M

Lol…I actually really like this song, I think its catchy…forget the bitter pill its trying to make us women swallow! a bad thing is a bad thing, it has no other name!

On the reals tho, when you enter into a relationship, what sort of mind-set have you got? Do you enter it fully expecting to be cheated on at some point?

How about my Long- distance people…do you expect boyfi/ gurlfi to cheat on you at some point because after all, body no be fire wood? How about the day he just reeli needs a good fuck and wifey’s p**** is too far away?

Or for the women, its that time of the month, you’re ovulating and the fuck feeling comes to you in waves…how do you keep your legs tightly crossed and stop that pussy juice flowing all the way to fuck buddy’s d***?

How do you approach your relationship with better-half? With suspicion? Asking all typsa questions that’s guaranteed to drive anyone outta their flippin minds? Do you trust wholeheartedly; because you know you are with a good person, because trust is the foundation of a relationship and if you don’t trust him/her to behave, then you might as well call it quits? Does this kind of trust border on naiveté ? Are you really stupid if you think it’s not too much to ask that better-half be faithful?

What really is the difference between trust and naiveté ?

Is it really true that an erect penis has no conscience? A wet vagina nko? Lol @ Tairebabs for dis one! http://www.tairebabs.org/

Do you look @ relationships around you and decide what to expect from yours? I still think or rather I know a few guys/ girls who are actually really faithful…so it’s not as if this is an impossible task…(again, Jill Scott’s “Celibacy Blues” pops into my head)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D7RzeqU9eY

Do you think its more practical to come to an agreement with better half, that when you’re “away”, he can have a few indiscretions which you will be willing to overlook as long as he protects himself (and you!) from STI’s?

Or do you think that is just his license to spread his wings n flyyy? I don’t know how far this is true, but I hear women are better at self-control than men? Hmm…story for another day m8!

Is it innocent until proven guilty, or guilty until proven innocent for you guys? More importantly, should it be?

My mother said something and it may be applicable in this context: “if you want to know how well one can handle responsibility, give him something to be responsible for first.” As in, how else can you teach someone certain values without entrusting them with something (your heart) in the first place? How do you know someone isn’t good at something without first giving them the chance to try?

Don’t look @ me oh! I equally have no ready-made answers to all the issues I throw at you guys…

Let’s talk.