ON SOCIAL LIVES...

I have always wondered about authority, social lives and married women... not necessarily in that order tho.lol
Always wondered about the experience of the Nigerian woman and what becomes of her social life after she’s married with kids. Enter our first subject –Tina; social butterfly in university. Was at every club party and hung out with all the cool kids. Then Adebisi... normal social life, not necessarily the life of the party, average mingler, partied hard only occasionally; perhaps stricter parental controls existed in her family.
Two things are likely to happen. Tina would end up with a mingler as a husband; suiting her personality who wouldn’t mind leaving the kids with the househelp and going clubbing till 4am. He may be more tolerant of her social life because he met her that way, and is used to her personality by now. He would not begin to suspect her of cheating if she suddenly begins to go out more frequently. He knows she is a social butterfly.
Adebisi may meet Tina, they would become fast friends, and Bisi would begin to aspire to Tina’s lifestyle. She may begin to try to regain the youth she lost. Debisi’s husband however, would not be used to the sudden change in her behaviour and her need to want to explore. She may begin to resent his authority when he stops her from attending too many social functions or engaging in activities that are “unlike her”.
Whatever the case, I noticed that some women struggle with being under authority and personality changes. As a young girl, she is under the exclusive jurisdiction of her father and whatever he says is law. The bible says to honour your father and mother so that your days on earth may be long. As if that is not frustrating enough; when she eventually leaves her father’s house and gains her “freedom”, so to speak, as a wife, her husband wields authority. And if she is a Christian, submission is the order of the day. Good Christian wives do as told by their husbands. Im sure you’re beginning to say that the bible appears to be a real roadblock! If he does not like clubbing, you don’t go out clubbing, if he does not like the friends you keep, you stop seeing them, if he doesn’t like eating food that isn’t freshly cooked, you make a new dish everyday and throw away freezer food, if you have young kids, you refrain from going out altogether expect it is absolutely necessary eg market for foodstuff.
What I am trying to say is that she goes from authority to authority, never really being able to be her own boss, and having to explain herself if she suddenly finds joy in activities that weren’t her favourites before. One would reason that she is an adult who should be able to decide what is morally right or wrong, without her husband’s involvement. But it seems as though women never really grow to the point where they can decide things without a man’s involvement. Indeed, it used to be the culture that a woman must never leave her house unaccompanied by a man (perhaps for protection purposes). It didn’t matter if her escort was a 7yr old boy barely reaching her waist.
It begins to appear as if marriage and children are incompatible with an active social life. If she goes out too often and begins to get photographed and put in best-dressed lists, she is tagged “a socialite” aka woman of easy virtue; even though that may not be the case. She may go from frustration to resentment; and a host of other complex feelings which her husband may be unable to understand. He would wonder why she needs to go out to have fun. He would wonder why she cannot derive joy from her children’s faces and delight in her husband. He may not understand that even the best mothers need off days and some down-time. That sometimes, it really is just a harmless tete a tete with fellow wives and girlfriends. That sometimes she wants to walk down the road and get eye-balled by other men and reassurances that she is still beautiful even after 3 kids.
It is a complex existence... the reality of the Nigerian wife and mother. But it can be beautiful if you choose the right partner. It may be fulfilling if he allows you to grow, and be the best that you can be.