Shock Absorber...

She walked into the sitting room, where I was sprawled across the sofa, the only female amongst my brothers, and asked us to lower the volume on the television that she would like to speak to us. We complied, focusing our full attention on her.

My mother sat down on the love seat, adjusted her iro and buba. Looking slightly sheepish, she said “I am pregnant”. I immediately asked, “ why are you having more children? is three not good enough? I am not helping you babysit any rugrat o, bear in mind that I am going back to boarding school soon!” Here I was, thinking that my position was sealed as the last born; and then she comes at us with this. She continued with, “its for my boss, not your father.” It was the way she said it, this equanimity about her that made me sick.

I began to cast my mind back to when my father was making such a fuss about her working relationship with her boss, even accusing her of having an affair. Knowing my mother for the virtuous woman that she is, I certainly did not believe a word of what my father said, and assumed that he was simply jelaous that the woman was making some money of her own and did not have to wait on him hand and foot for her needs as she used to. In my head, I knew my father was acting in a very jealous and immature manner; probably slightly chauvinist and needing to keep up with the times.My mother is a very attractive woman, so I could sense where the insecurity was coming from. Besides, her boss had a hawk-eyed wife, who worked in the office below them.It would be difficult for my easygoing mother to upstage that sort of woman. She had no fighting spirit of that sort in her.I had completely blanked out, my head reeling with the implications of the news she had just given to us. She had not finished; “ and I have told my boss about the baby which he is very happy about.” It was then that I turned to her, letting her feel the full wrath of my anger, I said “Sit down mummy! Are you alright? This man you are talking about is happily married with six children. SIX! What family do you plan to fit your bastard child into? Have you considered a TOP? She retorted, “this child is a gift from God and is not a mistake. I am not terminating the pregnancy.”

It was surreal, having to speak to my mother in this manner; but I could not help it. It was as if she had suddenly become the child, and I, the mother. She was the one who was supposed to be warning me about the dangers of teenage pregnancy, abortion and the implications. I turned to my brothers, wondering if they were witnessing this too. The elder of the two, simply walked out of the room. He was not usually one of many words, and was prone to walking away from difficult situations and pretending that they did not exist. My second brother, simply said that although what my mother did was wrong, it was a greater sin in the eyes of God to abort the baby. I had not expected less; he is the fanatical one. I seemed to be the only one making sense in this room. It was then that I dragged my mother up, took her to my room and began to speak to her. “mother, why are you doing this? Why do you want to break up your home? I admit its not the happiest of homes and there are things that you would rather not have to deal with regarding my father, but is this your solution?” My father’s philandering ways were definitely a problem in the family and I know it was something that caused my mother a lot of pain. He had been carrying on with this particular woman to the extent that we were not even sure if she was merely a concubine or had become a wife. But to think that she would retaliate in this manner was just unexpected.Besides, was it not only okay for the men to do such things? Was it not an abomination if a woman followed suit? My mother, that has gone through thick and thin, my very own shock absorber…who would think that this would be the straw that would break the camel’s back?

I turned back to the woman who gave me life, and then hugged her. “o zugo, we will find a solution. I just regarded you in higher esteem and to say the least, I am disappointed. You are not the sort of woman to engage in extra-marital affairs and if this is to get my father’s attention, you are cutting your nose to spite your face.” She replied, “you do not understand me darling, do you? This is not about your father anymore. I have accepted that he is continually going to cheat on me. This is me finding my own happiness. I am in love”. At that point, I shifted away from her embrace, unsure that it was my mother speaking. It was like some creature had taken the place of where her mind used to be. Was she even thinking about us, and how this news would affect us?Unable to take it anymore, I started to scream at her, yelling at the top of my voice that I think that she is acting like a doe-eyed, love-sick puppy, a completely deluded woman. I was hoping that if I screamed loud enough, she would snap out of this land of oblivion her spirit had wandered into. It was then that she began to look pale, like she was about to be sick. I followed her gaze and realized she was bleeding out. In a state of utter shock and panic, I knelt in front of her and put my hands there, hoping that the pressure from my hands will stop the blood from flowing out from between her legs. The blood was defiant, squirting out with such intensity that I was sure I was going to loose her. I began to berate myself, telling myself that it was the pressure and the unkind words coming from me that caused this. I began to wish I had said nothing at all. “Somebody call the ambulance, mummy is bleeding.please help!”

I got up with a start. A huge truck was outside blaring its horns, and cursing at the small car causing the obstruction. I walked into my parent’s room, and found my mother sleeping peacefully, beside her husband, snoring loudly. I looked down at my hands. There was no blood. What kind of dream was that?

ENJOYING ANOTHER’S COMPANY...

You know you have a partner that is supposed to be the irreplaceable love of your life…But you find yourself enjoying another’s company…

You have found all that you are looking for in him/ her. So why then, do you laugh harder at the other’s jokes, find yourself smiling a little too widely when he/she walks in the room, dress to impress when you know you will be seeing this person at some point during the day?

Why then, do you lay with your partner, all the while fantasizing that it is the other person that you lay with? Why does the guilt plague you so much when you find your mind increasingly occupied with the other and you begin to find faults with your partner?

Maybe it is normal to have feelings for another despite being in a relationship. A little crush is harmless right?

Besides, you are not going anywhere with this. Your partner is here to stay, even if you wanted out of the relationship. It is a binding one. You tell yourself this; all the while trying to convince yourself that this consuming fire can be doused easily; that time spent with this person may not necessarily build emotions; that after all it is healthy to have such relations because your partner cannot possibly be all your friends in one person; that it will in fact positively affect what you have with your partner because you come back to your partner refreshed and ready to settle back into routine with him/her.

You begin to wonder at what point it becomes harmful… calling each other everyday is cool, it’s not like you are sleeping with the person right? Hanging out with this person is still fine, is it not? although there will be no need to tell your partner information like this; so you garnish the truth…tell them you are just hanging out with a few friends.

In fact, you have done nothing wrong. Being human, that is your crime.

Your beauty lies in your complexity…rolled together in one. You cannot explain certain feelings, try as you may. You cannot always forecast who you will find yourself increasingly drawn to; you cannot calculate every situation you might be in; so it is harder to slide out of certain situations than others.

But what you do have control over is your mind. Before it festers and becomes uncontrollable, you can draw lines, mark out boundaries, begin to reel yourself in when you feel like you are slipping. It is not always pleasant though.

Why should you stop an activity that is so pleasurable, why??? This is where commitment comes in. Someone once said that there will be days where loving your partner is a decision, not a choice that comes easily. So it is possible that you might want to throw a tantrum, even snap at your partner for reasons they know nothing about. When this happens, you slowly remind yourself that you are an adult, and you will not always get what you want like a child does. Then if you are religious, remember the several sermons you sat in on, reminding you to flee temptation. Then go on a holiday with the partner and remind yourself of all the reasons why you fell for each other.

Another thing to think about is that such affairs usually end badly and someone may end up getting hurt. Again cheating is not only physical; do not harbour any illusions. It could be emotional, and this is the really tricky one because it goes by undetected and you do not even realise that this is what it happening. Your conscience is usually a good indicator. Listen to it.

But do not forget to have friends; true friends that you can be yourself with. Male AND Female; the point is not to make yourself an island, because you are trying so hard not to cheat or sin. It is not a good idea either, to dictate to your partner how many friends they should have, or that they should never be seen in the company of the opposite sex. It just might build resentment. Control always seems to bring about rebellion and secrecy sooner or later. If they like you enough, (and I am sure they love you if they are with you) they will come back and tell you when their friend took the friendship a little too far. This is where you build trust and become even more secure in your relationship.

There will be close friends, work colleagues, and the people who form your inner social circle. They are just as important as your partner. There is always the friend who will stick closer than a brother and you will always need them.

Because honestly, it is just unfair to ask your partner to be everything! Just make sure you do not fall for the friends while you are at it. Lol…

What If?

I do not think that anyone walks into a relationship already envisaging the end of it. Unfortunately, sometimes the relationship does come to an end and you would have dated several potential suitors before you reach your last bus stop…

What do you do when you feel it in the very centre of your being that your relationship is dangerously close to its expiry date?
Do you close your eyes to the obvious truth or suddenly become a believer, hoping against hope that God will intervene miraculously and save your marriage/ relationship?
What I have noticed about the Nigerian society regarding relationships is the tenacity and the fighting spirit; this refusal to let go. You begin to blame in-laws, young girls outside, bad friends of your spouse who are influencing them negatively… The excuse that your religion does not permit divorce is always there too; and the list goes on.
While this is very admirable, sometimes it is just the simple fact that you are badly suited to each other.
It is very possible that it is this determination to keep the relationship/ marriage going that will rescue whatever love you have left between you.
However, sometimes we have to be willing to let go. It is not admittance to failure; it is just an acknowledgement that this one time, you chose wrongly. And that is life really; you win some, you loose some.
The major issue is the fear that once you let one go, the likelihood of getting another is slim. This is when the “what-ifs” begin to plague your mind until you have reduced yourself to your lowest terms. This is when you remember that age is not on your side and you already have one kid and your body is not as youthful as it once was. I call this reducing yourself to your lowest terms because you only think of yourself as a means to another’s end; a baby’s mother, someone’s husband or wife, etc. You might want to begin to think of relationships as something that should make you happy first and foremost, that edifies your soul, which puts a song in your heart.
At the end of the day, it just might be that your partner will love you even more for having the courage to let go; you can then give each other individual chances at happiness. What’s more, if the relationship produced kids, your children get to grow up in a more loving environment instead of experiencing the constant bickering or bad blood that exists between you two.

No one can tell you what is best for you. You will need to look inside yourself and make that decision from within. For a moment, forget society, and mothers and in-laws and what everyone else expects that you will do. This one time, do it for you.

Experience.

Don’t you just hate it when you tell someone your story and then you get told a story worse than yours…people just don’t want to lend credibility to your experiences. Then you get told that oh, it has happened to someone else and that person’s experience was a lot worse than yours; you had better not complain.
I listened to this younger woman tell an older woman about her husband’s indiscretions, and the older woman told her, oh it’s nothing oh. So he only cheated eh? You did not thank your God that he did not bring the concubine into the house to live or worse still, father an illegitimate child? In my own case, he went on and fathered three children outside wedlock and I could do nothing about it…blah blah blah
And somehow, it makes it sound as if society has condoned the man’s wrongdoing, simply because he’s not the first African man to have done it. As if there is safety in numbers.
My own question is, does it make it any easier to bear? An experience is still your own experience; you will make what you will out of it; you either cope better or you find it harder to bear compared to others.
It will not stop me from feeling like I’m the first girl to have her heart broken; it will not stop my impatience when I am stuck in situations I cannot help; it will not make me feel bad for voicing out my frustrations when there are others even more frustrated than I am. That all women go through labour pain does not mean it is not painful everytime... abi?
In Miss Spark’s words: No matter what you say about love, I’ll keep coming back for more, put my hand in the fire…sooner or later I’ll get what I am asking for. It does not matter that another has tried and found it impossible to find.

An ounce of experience is better than a pound of advice.

...On Ingrained Customs (Part I)

I am having a really hard time. Even getting my thoughts on paper is difficult. Normally I tend to dissociate myself from my writing and try to sound as balanced as possible…if I’ve learnt nothing else in law school, I’ve learnt that clarity of thought is key. Argue both sides…
This one time, I have to write from my gut because i cannot tell it any other way.
I had a very interesting conversation with a few men, ranging from the men in my family to some professionals; medical doctors and lawyers to be precise; and the recurring theme was African men, monogamy and a woman’s role in the Nigerian society. the over-riding emotion was fear and a sense of hopelessness;


First of all, I was being told that if I did not exhibit womanly traits like wanting to cook, clean, fuss over and take care of able-bodied men, I had a fundamental flaw as a woman that spelled doom for my future. No man would touch me with a long pole. lol
Then, there was the other side, a bunch of married men, offering a sort of more exciting future as a mistress. They went on to tell me that, as a mistress one is only there for the fun times and to show the man a good time; the wife is there to perform all the other harder duties of bearing and rearing children, cooking and cleaning until she is blue in the face. The other plus was that there would be no baby- making, or inlaw- related wahala involved; you get to keep your figure!The funny part was the man’s averment that African men were never born monogamous and that the whole idea was a Western creation.
My problem was that none of them sounded like a choice- a woman still remained an accessory.
And this is what I have a problem with. what happens when you cannot fit into any of these moulds?

Change...

Complaint 1: There’s nothing I hate more than not being taken seriously.
“To understand other people, you must first realise they are other people and not another you.”For most females, this is a bitter pill to swallow. Hell, for me I know it is. That is why we engage in the very futile endeavour of trying to change our partners or mould them into what we want. This is why we complain about our feelings not being taken into consideration.Men do things that only they understand. They do not get why females feel the need to discuss emotions, feelings and all that mushy stuff. They do not get why we like to gossip and talk about other people’s relationships. They do not get why we are pre-menstrual. They do not get why we get upset when they do not remember birthdays, special events and all the kind of dates that women think are important. At first, I thought this was a generalisation; but it is so true- men are just not bothered about ish like that. Personally, I think they are just lazy when it comes to being “emotionally vocal”; yet they would argue about the most irrelevant ish- like football! Men really are from Mars.They say the first rule of love is to listen. When we argue, do we ever stop to hear the other person out or try to understand why they behave the way that they do? Maybe it is God-ordained that they behave that way; because try as you may, you will never be able to change him or make him suit your preferences- unless you want to become a nag/ boss lady. Then there’s the other small matter of actually liking what you’ve turned him into; because after all, was it not his quiet nature/ listening ear you fell in love with?Maybe women should take a leaf out of their books and learn to listen more. I also think men need to make more of an effort with communication, because we will never be able to get inside their heads unless they let us in by talking, communicating, and responding. We all know communication is the life- force of a relationship.Men ought to know there is nothing more erotic & turn-on-ish than connecting with a female you care about intellectually, mentally, verbally…falling in love with each other’s minds/ thought processes is hard to compete with; there will always be sexier women/ buffer men- but only one person on earth who thinks the way that he/ she does.

Guilty...until proven Innocent.

The words of John Legend’s “Number One” float into my head… “you can’t sayyy I don’t love u just because I cheat on you” and then Kanye’s sickkk rap to it where he goes “but my heart don’t got nothing to do with my penis, it got a mind of its own…”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqB1OL7XQ4M

Lol…I actually really like this song, I think its catchy…forget the bitter pill its trying to make us women swallow! a bad thing is a bad thing, it has no other name!

On the reals tho, when you enter into a relationship, what sort of mind-set have you got? Do you enter it fully expecting to be cheated on at some point?

How about my Long- distance people…do you expect boyfi/ gurlfi to cheat on you at some point because after all, body no be fire wood? How about the day he just reeli needs a good fuck and wifey’s p**** is too far away?

Or for the women, its that time of the month, you’re ovulating and the fuck feeling comes to you in waves…how do you keep your legs tightly crossed and stop that pussy juice flowing all the way to fuck buddy’s d***?

How do you approach your relationship with better-half? With suspicion? Asking all typsa questions that’s guaranteed to drive anyone outta their flippin minds? Do you trust wholeheartedly; because you know you are with a good person, because trust is the foundation of a relationship and if you don’t trust him/her to behave, then you might as well call it quits? Does this kind of trust border on naiveté ? Are you really stupid if you think it’s not too much to ask that better-half be faithful?

What really is the difference between trust and naiveté ?

Is it really true that an erect penis has no conscience? A wet vagina nko? Lol @ Tairebabs for dis one! http://www.tairebabs.org/

Do you look @ relationships around you and decide what to expect from yours? I still think or rather I know a few guys/ girls who are actually really faithful…so it’s not as if this is an impossible task…(again, Jill Scott’s “Celibacy Blues” pops into my head)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D7RzeqU9eY

Do you think its more practical to come to an agreement with better half, that when you’re “away”, he can have a few indiscretions which you will be willing to overlook as long as he protects himself (and you!) from STI’s?

Or do you think that is just his license to spread his wings n flyyy? I don’t know how far this is true, but I hear women are better at self-control than men? Hmm…story for another day m8!

Is it innocent until proven guilty, or guilty until proven innocent for you guys? More importantly, should it be?

My mother said something and it may be applicable in this context: “if you want to know how well one can handle responsibility, give him something to be responsible for first.” As in, how else can you teach someone certain values without entrusting them with something (your heart) in the first place? How do you know someone isn’t good at something without first giving them the chance to try?

Don’t look @ me oh! I equally have no ready-made answers to all the issues I throw at you guys…

Let’s talk.

Foreign Vs Home-grown...

I came across this funny cartoon (Translation: kids basically wanting what isn’t readily available) and after the laughter faded, several things came to mind...Let me put this into context. I am referring to Las Gidi babes, 9aija babes, Aristo babes, wuteva d heck they’re called now! I am talking about how we (18-29 age group) are chasing our Nigerian men away with our materialism, how we make criminals of them to suit our lavish lifestyles.

I had been thinking about this for awhile now, hearing my brothers/ guy friends talking about not being able to date 9aija girls again because they can’t keep up with their “long-throat”. And my friends/ family pple are faaaaar from church rats…so this was saying something. Younger guys don’t even bother any more, they’ve left it to the older men with more money. I mean, how can they compete? (4get d silver spoon kiddos for a hot minute)

Then I came across this article on Sturvs about Jim Iyke being in a relationship with a woman he’s very happy with and with whom he may be walking down the aisle with in fact! Surprise surprise, she’s Jamaican…I read on to find out what she had that all the 9aija women he dated couldn’t offer him…and I have to admit, I couldn’t even fault his logic man! He said this woman fell in love with his mind, with him as a person, not the actor or play-boy persona we all see, he said he didn’t have to continually prove his worth to her or convince her to shun society’s remarks of his personality, how it didn’t take as long to convince her that the “female” he was reportedly flirting with is actually just a platonic friend…nothing more, how 9aija women focus more on pedigree, social background, wealth etc than the actual person. Closer to home, my brother is now dating a Ghanaian chick and is very happy.

When I was in 9aija last summer, and several guys chatted me up (being the hot sturvs dat I am, lol!), I noticed a pattern with all of them…they always started with what they could offer me… “Baby, what is it you want? Is it Dubai? Let’s go der!, let me take care of you, mo lenu pa! ma na’wo si e lorun! (Translation: I’m well known, I get mouth, I’ll spend lavishly on you.) lmao! While it was very funny/ endearing, it made me worry. Why did they feel the need to offer me luxuries first? Am I now incapable of falling in love with their person without being offered money first? Ah ah, I felt like a prostitute oh…had to be bought over shaa! Is it a lack of confidence on their part or the act they feel that they have to put up?

But I worry oh…I really worry! Even the songs coming outta 9aij, Eldee’s Bosi bangba, d’banj, its all them tryna let you know how much they have, which is the reason why women follow them in droves. Don’t get me wrong oh, I absolutely heart luxuries, I am a shopaholic and I will not complain if you reeeeli wana spend! i know money makes the world go round but I have a problem with those who can’t afford it and try so hard to "feel among", I worry about love going extinct and social class/ wealth taking its place, I worry about hard-working men who get their love thrown back in their face because they can’t afford a Hermes Birkin.

Very soon, all the eligible men will cross borders to find wifey, den una go sidon look wondering where the hell they all went to. We have to be willing to grow with a man, so that when he does rise to the top (in a legit way), you can both enjoy the spoils together. And he will rise to the top, IF he has your love and support.

I blame the mothers, the caregivers, I blame the state of the nation, poverty and all those things that made the Nigerian female the gold-digging pro she is now.

“Those who insult our generation forget who raised it.”

PS: Biko, i beg the pardon of whoever this cartoon originally belongs to. all copyrights ish duly observed!

Love-sick Puppy.

What do you do when another woman is in love/obsessed with your man?

Do you call the little heifer and give her a talking to, or just act cool, calm and collected, like it doesn’t bother you one bit?

Supposedly, the man in this situation is helpless because he is trying not to offend sensibilities, keeping gurlfi happy whilst giving the LSP a gentle let-down.

Ok what happens when LSP just won’t quit? Calling all the damn time, crying n begging your man to consider and put himself in her shoes?

From a woman’s perspective, I can tell you that it is extremely annoying to sit and watch such a scene unfold. Because, being a chick, you know she’s using every trick in the book to get your boyfi to come round, break down his resolve and give-in. and when a woman wants something really bad, we know how to scheme don’t we? They don’t call it feminine wiles for nothing.

This is possible even when boyfi has no feelings whatsoeva for LSP…I’ve heard of house girls overthrowing the madam of the house oh! Maybe through jazz or by using waist power (calabar gal style!) …ok I digress.

For real tho, what do you do when it becomes so persistent that it begins to bother u a little too much?

You can tell boyfi not to pick her calls anymore, to loose her number, or you can simply trust who you are with not to stoop so low. Someone once said about trust that “don’t set your husband up on a pedestal and then cry when you find that he is only an ordinary man, after all”. So I’m saying it really is about getting the balance right, I think, because dictating to him may just annoy him and build the feeling of resentment…no one wants to live with boss-lady who tells you what to say and wear, but at the same time, you need to be able to show boyfi the threat that LSP represents. He’s not stupid, and you really don’t have to go on about it before he figures…again to the last comment, this wise person said “ don’t nag your husband; if he won’t carry out your wishes for love of you, he certainly won’t because you nag him”.

Again, acting like it doesn’t bother you when it does, is certainly not the answer. You should be able to tell boyfi exactly how u feel at any point in time, and if he is a good one, he should calm your irrational fears and make you feel more secure. Flirting with other guys just to "show" boyfi again is not the answer. It really will just exacerbate the problem .
But the issue is not with the particular babe, it is what they represent isn’t it? Any attractive person will tell you that a ring never stopped anyone from hitting on them or declaring their undying love. It boils down to boyfi having an effective “defence mechanism”, to be able to get rid of unwanted attention, to be able to make sure outside distractions don’t affect what he has with wifey. Because if it isn’t Bisi today, it will be Aisha tomorrow. I don’t think attacking the individual is the way round it, (so pulling all the tracks outta LSP’s hair and scratching her eyes out, no matter how GOOD it’ll feel…lmao!) does nothing for your rep….there’s a reason that u r wifey, isn’t there? You are the CLASSY one. Trust boyfi enough to handle it.

Don’t take my word for it tho, tell me, what would you do?

Pack Mentality...

From a guy’s perspective, I have always wondered what happens when one of your guy-friends is all loved-up…
What happens when the guys go out partying, drinking or just out to have a little bit of fun?
I’ve heard/ read that there’s always the notorious guy-friend who makes the “faithful/ loved-up one” try to POP or just behave badly.
I also heard that guys have a sort of “pack mentality” (like dogs/ wolves etc)… meaning that if one of the pack members is behaving so out-of-character (in our context, in love), there is a tendency to want to make him conform or just shake the silly-ness of the emotion out of him!
All this may be true…it certainly applies to girls as well.
Various reasons may make a “concerned friend” want to react. You may have been hurt by an ex-lover and don’t want to see brother-man go down the same route. You may be thinking now is the time for this son-of-a-gun to be having the time of his life, not getting his love on lock-down! You could be missing his company because sister-girl has come into his life, taking up all of his damn time! No time to play pro-evo/ mack on random chicks et al…lol I’m thinking this is the main reason…you miss him!(oh pls admit it, ain’t nothing gay about that shit- its called bromance, I hear).
Definitely, you still want to have fun…relationships don’t have to spell the end of your social life. I certainly would hate for that to happen.
From person-in-a-relationship’s point of view, I think it still boils down to who you are as an individual. You are grown, you know right from wrong, wifey/ boyfi does not have to stalk or blow your phone up before you know how to behave…
Hopefully, you are crazy about who you are with to not want to intentionally hurt them. You know you got a good thing…
If you think about the person and smile, then for the love of God, do everything in your power to keep yourself (and better-half too!) smiling.

Or better still, in the words of my fellow blogger, “Don’t fuck up: don’t disrespect the missus”! http://www.singleblackmale.net/
Lol …enough said eh?

PS: if you do everything in your power to respect and keep better-half secure, and they still act all paranoid, insisting on being everywhere with you, by all means, suggest therapy…I smell bigger trust issues.

NOTHING.

People have different ways they view life, different approaches to the way the same object is viewed…I see a mountain, you see a mole-hill.
Some people think that when things are going too smoothly in your life, it means something bad is about to happen and you shouldn’t be getting too comfortable.
Some people think that infact you should live life expecting the worst, so that if or when the worst does happen, you were well prepared and you were…you know… expecting it!
So you are never caught unawares…nothing is too smooth to slip past your ever-anxious mind…hell, you’ve thought up everything in the book of “life’s fuck-ups” that infact fate would have a hard time beating you at its own game. Mind on weed…lol

Okay, so while this may work for you in some things…say business, because then it just means you are uber- savvy and no one can cheat you…how about the more important things? You know…affairs of the heart.
I have heard people say too many times that when you have a good man, enjoy it while it lasts….because all good things come to an end. They go on to tell me to never trust a man because he will either cheat, get bored and move on, or simply stay and make life a living hell…because he’s too selfish to let go and too proud to admit he’s failed at something.
Sometimes I listen…I digest…I understand…I internalise…and regurgitate! Because my mind has just refused to accept that I cannot have it all and be blissfully happy! Call me a hopeless optimist. But I think that if you live expecting the very worst, then you attract the very worst…Negative re-enforcement…if you think it long enough, your actions will make it happen. And when you are in this bad place mentally, it is impossible to enjoy the present goodness.
While life will throw u a curve every now and then, you cannot dodge the arrow before it has been thrown…can you perpetually be in duck mode…sqatting…dodging? Perhaps, nine chances out of ten, you will be able to handle it, and the problem may never really erupt from where you think it will.
So…the next time you look at the love of your life and scrutinize, looking for the expiry date on your love affair, or flaws, accept the thought that in fact, there is nothing wrong...nothing to be found…no shady past…NOTHING.

Muse..

Here’s one of Alicia Key’s “Spoken word” poetry that never fails to inspire me…

“STREETS OF NEW YORK”
Here I am…
Here we are…As it will go on forever
Noise…always noise
Candles burn, Lights are low, I have no place to go
Life in its constant state of moving nowhere,
The music is nice,
Floats through the air,
Sounds of waves crashing everywhere,
The cursive submissions, mind conditions… riding with a left hand, unknowing and taking the chance,
Why not fly?
Why not try?
This constant game I play to stay high…but all is just a state of mind,
All is reality of your choice,
Constant Evolution, Constant Adaptation, Constant State of moving no where.
Footsteps…silence is loud…kindness is brave…wisdom is long…loving is necessary! I need it… we need it,
Searching…looking for satisfaction, It is nowhere, it is everywhere, pleading, pleading, praying for God to come,
What are we waiting for?
Why are we so afraid of taking charge?
But its always changing…always…in the constant state of going nowhere
We all have demons to battle,
Roads to walk,
Crosses to bear,
Mistakes and sins,
Candles and their steady glow,
Water and its constant crash, endless horizon…rocks of times long gone, still strong still here and so are we,
Here we are, forever
The constant state of going nowhere…the constant state of going nowhere...con- con stant state of moving nowhere…its like a jungle…its like a jungle out here….
(she breaks into song)


I hope it speaks to you too in some way…

Hypocrisy...thy name is Gidi.

Much has been said about the bans on recent Nigerian songs by NBC.
Some of them are
“Maga don Pay” by Kelly Hansome,
“Suddenly” by D’banj,
“Close to you” by Mo hits
“Enter the Place” by 2face ft Sound Sultan…(for a full list, visit Linda Ikeji’s blog).

Right now, I am very worried about D’banj’s much anticipated “KOKO MANSION”…lol because from the look of things, it seems to have a flava flav feel to it and if they won’t allow these songs to air any longer, how would they cope with D’banj’s sexy self and his kokolets, come June? Lmao!
So while I understand the reason behind the ban on some of these songs, I don’t understand why 9aija refuses to focus on the REAL issues!
Have they ever heard of the internet in 9aij??? It reminds me of something I was watching on E! , when Paris Hilton finds her sex tape on the shelves of a corner store, grabs it, runs without paying and mumbles something about exposing the “children” to this! Lol poor Paris…there were a million other copies circulating shops in Yankee…how is stealing one going to help anything? Ok I digress…
My point is Nigeria has a knack for picking on little things, when there are much bigger issues to be dealt with in the country.
Which is why I was so pissed to find out that 9aija policemen were harassing women, claiming they were indecently exposed because of a comment Gov Fashola of Lagos made about scantily clad women. There’s a vid on Youtube where Funmi Iyanda talks about this, with other like-minded women. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn2tMDLNtcI&feature=PlayList&p=C7A0DAE557610BEB&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=15
Then there was the Big Brother issue too, when them house of assembly guys were trying to stop DSTV from airing Shower time on BB.

As in, seriously! A look at the headlines of major Nigerian newspapers goes to show that the government has enough to think about without worrying about women going around naked or kids getting influenced negatively…leave that one to their parents to worry about. There’s the Ekiti re-run Polls violence, World Bank is predicting that Nigeria will account for 18 of the 90 million Africans that will sink below the poverty line in 2009 and labour took to the streets of Lagos today, to protest deregulation.

Another oddity about 9aij is the fact that whilst 9aij is a very “religious country”, morally, it is quite bankrupt and it is these same leaders who ban this and ban that are the ones sexually exploiting and spending lavishly on young girls old enough to be their daughters (the aristo sturvs.)

Which is why I conclude with … “hypocrisy, thy name is Gidi!!”

Run Down!

So I was talking to an older friend the other day…and this is what she lamented about…
My friend is in her late 20’s and is married with a kid. At the start of her relationship, her husband was fun to be around, the life of the party and totally into her. You know, the calling all the damn time, wining-and-dining that comes with the honey-moon stage of every relationship. He had his shades on all the time, with “Gongo Aso” everly blaring from the speakers of his Cayenne. To use Banky W’s words… “face of a fine boy, so much Swagga”!

Lately, she said he’s become emotionally abusive and has nothing nice to say to her. Whenever she dresses up, he runs her outfit down, saying stuff lyk
“see how this outfit is showing all the contours of your body…don’t you see how Abuja babes are dressing ni?” or “ gbogbo oju e loti baje yen (meaning ur face is all messed up now- referring to her spots I assume.)
Incase you are wondering, my friend is actually very pretty…tall, fair-skinned, nice boobs…d whole works u know…but no one is without their imperfections.
When its time to wind down in the evening and they are conversating about the events of the day and my friend is giving him gist about, say a friend of hers who’s experiencing marital problems, he flares up saying she’s just a nasty gossip & that is the sort of thing that always comes out of her mouth…
Then, thinking he’s one of those types that are averse to female gossip, she changes the topic of the convo to herself, asking him for advice, say about her career progression…this guy just tells her to do what she thinks is best. He never has any good advice to give and scarcely has deep moments…she says she never talks to him these days cos she does not know what may anger him. She just listens to him talk…
Trying to be objective, I say maybe he thinks you are better suited to decide your life ambitions yourself...but she tells me about how he constantly receives calls from female “colleagues” listening attentively to their problems, and throwing in words of wisdom every now and then….So its as not as if hubby is a bad listener or doesn’t know what to do/say.
When she finally went ahead and took up a Senior Position at work, he accused her of taking decisions without asking his opinion or thinking selfishly about her self as opposed to the best interests of the family.
She was like, “ but I asked you and you said to do what i felt was best.?!”
He replies with “Na wa oh”!

Worse still, he gets so paranoid when she receives calls from other male friends of hers...
The other day, a male colleague of hers was calling her at nite. But she was worried about picking the phone because hubby gets into a serious hissy fit when the dude calls, accusing her of having an affair/ something on the side with this guy-friend.
(You see, my friend and the guy-friend are both doctors and used to work in National Hospital together before the friend travelled to Jand for his Residency. )
Guy-friend kept calling frantically from Jand…lyk over 10 times, and this was late in the evening. Not wanting to start a fight with her hubby, she ignored the call and switched her phone off.
The next day she called him, wanting to find out what was so damn urgent last night.
Only for Guy-friend to accuse her of being a very bad friend, that she’s not there for others in time of need. Apparently, guy-friend’s young relation was visiting 9aija from JD and was staying over at their crib in Wuse. She came with other friends of hers for her mate’s wedding. So the night before she was scheduled to go back to JD, she went with her friends to some suya spot, you know…wanting to get her fill of 9aija barbecue before it was time to go back. His mum was’nt really feeling it, telling them to stay home…that its not safe at night for young girls and she’s got an early flight to catch. She even called the babe’s mumc, telling her that your daughter wants to be roaming the streets oh in search of suya at this ungodly hour…(you know how 9aija mumcs get sick with worry)
The babe sha went with her friends down the road for her suya…only for them to return with the other friend carrying her on the back. Apparently, after tasting the suya, she began gasping for breath really badly and she couldn’t walk…turns out babe is asthmatic and allergic to groundnuts, pepper n ish. Guy-friend’s mumc now called him shrieking on the fone that
“ko ma mi mo” (she’s not breathing!).
Obviously unable to do anything from where he was at, he was calling my friend so she could rush down to give CPR or some other emergency procedure before they get to the clinic…
My friend lives not too far from their base in Wuse.
To cut a long story short, the babe died within 10 mins of all this madness and by the time they got to the hospital, nothing could be done but to pronounce her dead.
You can imagine how bad my friend felt about this…

Only for her hubby to start making comments the next morning about how she’s not “pure”, she’s a very sly person…that he wonders which man-friend was calling her last night that she couldn’t pick up….blah blah blah

She couldn’t tell him anything about the events of the night before, worried that he would disapprove of her maintaining contact with her guy-friend. In short, hubby has put the fear of God in her oh.
And now almost 6 weeks after, guy-friend is still not talking to her.

So my question is…what is it about distrusting and running your partner down that appeals to certain men?

MYSTIQUE

Here's a short story i wrote a while ago for a creative writing course...



She gets up with a start, looking out of the window. Oh dear! She wails. She was going to hate this. Realising how late she was running, she skipped the shower, and hurriedly dressed up.
Rounding the corner, she smoothes her hands down her skirt, wiping perspiration off and trying to keep the wind from blowing it up at the same time. In her hurry, she bumps into him. She is mortified because she realises that she looks like a mess. He sees her and walks on rather rudely, not bothering to apologise. She curses him under her breath, realising she’s too much in a hurry to stop and hurl insults.
Finally she gets inside, looking around at the oriental-looking restaurant. She smells something and becomes physically sick. Before she can run to the loo, she vomits at the feet of the man standing nearby. Looking up to apologise, she realises it is him. Yet again.
This time she asks for a name. He tells her. She knew he looked vaguely familiar. He was the donor and the reason she was feeling so out of character. She knew the very moment she got up, that she was not going to enjoy this meet. The events of the evening further confirmed it. Not knowing what to do or say, she looked down at her regurgitated lunch. Silence….
That was what brought them together.…

I prefer to go by my alias, Mystique, due to the delicate nature of my job. I am tall and dark skinned, with little brown freckles covering my high cheekbones. I have auburn coloured hair, full pink lips and a dimple. I am 19 years old and I am a surrogate mum. I have been for the past 4 years of my life. It has brought me more money than any day job ever would. I am meeting the father of the child in my womb for the first time. Nothing quite prepared me for the meeting that day. I did not realise he was so good-looking. Their child is going to be a beautiful one. He opens his mouth to speak and I am sucked right in… “Wow,” he exclaims, “I did not realise you would be so young”. I reply, “I realise that, but you know what they say, the fresher the egg…”. I say this all the while, trying to wipe my vomit off his brand new collezione shoes. He calls for a waiter to clear the mess up, while we both get seated. I get the feeling that he is nervous, though I cannot imagine why. He tells me his wife would have been here today but for her fibroid operation which did not go too well. At this point, I begin to wonder how I am supposed to go for the ante-natal with a man, who obviously has no clue. “So”, I say, “let me save you the embarrassment of looking totally clueless . You can give me the upkeep money and I would be fine on my own. My regards to your wife when you get home.” He replies, “You don’t understand, she died this morning.”
Dear God, I sigh. A million thoughts run through my mind at once. “What am I supposed to do with the baby now?” I blurt out. “I was hoping to be able to keep it because it’s the only connection that remains between me and my dead wife”. Realising how selfish I sounded, I backtracked a bit, apologised and just let him speak. “Apparently, something went wrong with the surgery and she started to bleed internally. She died in my arms before the ambulance could get there. She made me promise to meet up with you and follow through with the plans. She really wanted to care for a child.”
The logical part of my brain kicked in once again. “I am really sorry for your loss Mr, but you do realise this is business for me. All I do is carry the baby to term, hand over to the new parents and collect my cash. I am not responsible for whatever happens after that. I am afraid I cannot help you care for a child. It would mess my schedule up.” To this he replies, “Oh I am not expecting you to. I would hire a live-in nanny to deal with the parts I cannot handle. All I need from you is to move into our house till the baby is born. Rosie was really specific about the whole thing. She wanted a water birth because it is apparently less painful and she wanted you on a strict vegetarian diet, you know, for the health of the child.” I am flabbergasted. Do these people realise I have a life that does not involve that baby? I reply, “Listen Mr, I am not sure that is a very good idea. You can come and check on me as often as you like but I cannot leave my place for the next eight months. In the terms of the contract, I let it be known that I am a healthy eater, though not vegan. I can call my lawyer if you like.” He says, “I am really sorry to upset you, I just thought we could reach a compromise that would keep us both happy.” I begin to feel like a heel now and volunteer to let him come by my place, see how I live and all that, just to put his mind at rest. I finish up my green tea and we leave the restaurant.
A few hours later, he is sitting comfortably on my sofa while I fish for a feel-good DVD to cheer him up. I find “the notebook” and put that in. Turns out it was a bad choice, because he begins to sob uncontrollably in the middle of the movie. He begins to tell me that his wife was his first love and the movie only evoked those memories.I get him tissues and hold him for awhile but he is still grieving. I am at my wits end now because I am expecting my first client in another 30 mins. You see, I am an escort, as well as a surrogate mother and it is bad for my business for him to remain in my flat. This is the major reason why I cannot leave my residence to stay at his house. I am hoping to be able to get enough money before my bump becomes obvious and I have to stop for awhile. A pity fuck is the only thing that will get him out of my place in good time, and possibly ease the grief. So I unzip his jeans, pull him on top of me and guide him into my wetness. At first he resists, mumbling a few words under his breath. He looks into my face rather blankly and then gives into the feeling. I am thinking that if a movie won’t cheer him up, perhaps sex will…


what do you think?

See wut im working with!

Someone once wrote "while writing fiction, one can wish for reality"...

Being my first blog post, i wanted to fill pple in on wut to expect from me...

Bcos human nature fascinates me so much, i will talk about relationships....they are the one thing you can't predict.
But Bcos Nigerian relationships are the ones i have the most experience on, this is what i'll do.
i will tell stories, i will throw questions out there, ask for your thoughts on issues...


let me tell a little story about a young woman i will call Devota.
So Devota is a lawyer, married to this business man. He came in from England and they hooked up. She was in the Unilag at the time when they started dating. Before long, she was pregnant and they held the traditional wedding ceremony.
they guy seemed to be a baller; they were living in a rented house of about N2mil, she had just returned from birthing her beautiful daughter in Yankee, she just graduated from law school...life was good.

Then Hubby told her not to practise, being a new mother; that she should join him in business instead. he had a rentals business...knowing lagos, parties never stop, so business was good.
then she had a second daughter....at this point, hubby wus geting impatient, really wanting a son now. then she got preggers for her 3rd baby, but when the scan showed it was a girl, she aborted it, waiting on this son. again, she got preggers, using all the tips and old wives tales on getting a male child.
But nope, she had another girl. hubby wus so pissed he said, "what am i going to do with an unemployed wife and 3 daughters"?
i think at this point, he began to listen to friends and bowed to family pressure so he started to take his frustration out on Devota. He did not even attend the naming ceremony of his new little girl, saying he had business to attend to overseas.
at this point, Devota started looking for a job bcos his stay abroad wus getting extended. but the law firms were not keen on taking a lawyer with no prior experience.it got so bad she had to begin borrowing money from friends.
She keeps asking how she got herself into this quagmire in the first place...

what i still find difficult to comprehend is the reality that some Nigerian men despite impeccable education and a good deal of refinement, still insist on this "male child" issue.
what ever happened to placing value on the girl-child?

do you think this is a reality that will never really go away? how can women like Devota avoid getting into such situations?

Bear in mind that this phenomenon is no respecter of tribes...it cuts across all cultures...from ibos to yoruba pple.